BLATHERING – JAN-MAY 2005

04.04.05

So, I'm getting ready to go to Australia! Note that if you want your CD signed personally (Like - Paul Velasquez of Whittier CA) before I go, you have TWO days to order! I've always wanted to say something along those lines do this and be like this guy! Aand then people wonder - is that person real? Much like they wonder - is her act real? Let me put you all at ease - EVERYTHING IS REAL! Oh, it's a caricature (as my father loves to point out). I don't think that's putting everyone at their ease. I think some people are thinking - "oh, that's sad." Console yourself with my Dad's (Elliot Kashian) opinion of exaggeration.

I will be getting a BLOG thing to write in when I'm in Australia so that I can keep everyone kept up to date. And, get this, people can respond! (what am I? 97? why didn't I know that? 97 is a funny number). I can't say I like the idea of having what can only be called a "heckler forum" but maybe the North Platte people will have their real time say. We'll see...

Oh, and speaking of hecklers - people don't heckle in the fancy venues I play these days - they are freakin' TEXT MSSGING from the third row! Uh, I get that the world is watching TV and on the internet and looking at a magazine or playing their PSP during the "down time" but people.. I'm Working UP HERE. Turn off the damn cell phone. Don't text message, "I'm at the club right now! No, right now!!! She's talking about her brother the Econ Professor. No, I don't know what college." STOP IT> it's slightly distracting. And by slightly I mean debilitating-ly distracting.

Packing, more later with info on the blog!

03.25.05

Wow. When they build a new Indian Casino they take what is epileptic about casinos and make sure they got that down FIRST. Casino owners make sure there's a buffet - cheap food so there's no reason to leave. Booze and smoking must be available and no clocks. The slot machines, the tables, the Cashier window - hidden discreetly - they are all there from the first day they open. But on that first day they can't worry about the box they put all this gaugy good times in. There's no Pyramid or Venetian Palace around these nickle-sucking containers; it's like going to a party through a Wal-Mart. I did standup for some very cool people in northern Michigan in a quonset hut with a 100grand worth of carpeting in it. The place was rural, eg late 1800's except for the electronic crap we all must have. I almost lost my mind, my cell phone didn't work for three days.

There is more to say but my taxes are calling my name.

03.07.05

So, I just got back from doing COBBS in San Francisco and boy am I not Magellan. I drove NORTH from San Francisco to get to LA. Don't even ask how I did it. I have no idea, but I ended up in Sacramento taking HWY 5 south to LA. It's really irritating that I have this sieve in my brain when it comes to directions. I was telling a friend that I went to Europe for three weeks without a map or a Let's Go book or anything. I'd wake up at the hostel and wherever the other travelers were going - I'd go there too. Thank GOD they wanted to see the David and then the Vatican. Hell. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to see the Acropolis. Oh, and the Oracle at Delphi. Which I never did see, probably becuase of lack of a map. I'm slightly off topic. I'm a little tired after the extra two hours I drove today.

I worked with Kevin Nealon who was great silly fun. And nice as could be offstage as well. I also got a parking ticket in San Francisco this weekend. It was a "welcome to the city" moment. $75 for putting the nose of the car over a driveway. I saw at least three other cars in the same block doing the same... arg... breathe... fine. The die is cast. I'm a lily. I will diminish and pay the ticket. grr.

off to errands!

03.03.05

I taped my new CD Last weekend at the ACME Comedy Club in Minneapolis, MN. It was a great week. Nothing says Valentine's week more than the deadpan comedy of Chuck Bartell, and the esoteric wild thoughts of Jim Woster. And ME. We were the most ROMANTIC show ever! It was actually a great week and everyone had fun. REALLY!

Oh, damn. I have people sign up for the mailing list if they want after the shows sometimes and, in Minneapolis, for some reason, some jackass ripped out the three pages of email addresses from the notebook. I dunno if he has a side job selling email addresses to morgatage companies or he needed scratch paper. So, I'm sorry if you get weird emails about enlargements and a chance to send money to some guy who's trying to escape Lome, Togo. If you were at the Acme show and Still wish to be on the email list. E me.

What else? Ooh.. I did a show in Brainerd, MN at The Rail and a guy came up to me after the show and said, "why are YOU here?" Uh, gainful employment? And I'll tell you. No one is more appreciative than a small town of people who a. live there on purpose but
b. love to have the town mocked.

I'm off to the Bam Bam and Celeste wrap party tonight which should be a blast. The crew and Margaret couldn't have been nicer to me. I, sadly, a bit of a social retard, had little to say until I started blathering. Ah, so be it. I hope to make the cut. It's just one line and I learned more than, and they couldn't have been more - yeah, I'm still talking. Gonna wrap it up here.

02.13.05

So... I got to be in a Movie. My first movie ever and it was FUN. You know, I always figured it would be and there I was, right.

I had one line. Which is fine. I don't think my nerves could have taken more lines. The cast and crew could NOT have been more supportive and just plain nice. I created the crazy in my own head. Which is par for the course I believe. Which course you ask? uh, this one? "MMORPG's for fun and profit."

One line. I don't want to scare the movie industry. I'm not going to storm the gates. Eventually I'll be in EVERY film and if anyone asks, someone will just say, "oh, she works here."

It was Margaret Cho's new movie. Not a concert film. She wrote it and is starring in it - as her young self and ... well, I'll let you see it when it comes out. But dang if it ain't classic campy good fun - which is great Margaret comedy. (I like her political stuff a lot too, but that's me).

01.30.05

May I thank everyone who tolerated my emails lately for voting for me! If you're on the email list and don't live in LA - you usually get an email from me about 3x a year. In the last month, I've sent about 8 or 10 emails. Thanks for not tweaking on the frequency. BTW: if you'd like to join the email list - check the left sidebar for deerections - and... it's easy to get off the list if you get over being on it).

I have been told several things (since I was sleeping or traveling whilst the shows were airing) that I was either 25th or 19th. And, damn, if I don't say - whatever it was, hoooray!

But the classic effect of the half hour special continues, hee hee: it doesn't matter if the show airs at 230am or 9pm; I get 4-6 new people on the ol' email list (and some orders for CD's - uh, thanks for that) and - "Why, Santa, Why?" ONE letter from Nebrasaka.

"Hi; I just wanted to say that you are a very talented comedian, but I just wanted to ask you if you lay off the Nebraska jokes, because I just happen to live in Nebraska, and Nebraskans are not a bunch of idiots, we aren't hillbillies, Osama doesn't hideout here and Nebraska shouldn't be bombed, and it's people like you who give Nebraska a bad name. I'm very sorry if I sound rude."

Please, oh please, people of Nebraska - read the page I've dedicated to you and that crazy sandwich-giving town of North Platte. It's the NP link above. See? Your own page!!! You are loved... you are mocked, but you are loved. If you watch more of my comedy you will see a pattern.

01.23.05

Gold Plated Lamé: The Saga Contines:
I do a joke about the jackass that broke my window to steal the $100 Best Buy tape deck from my 1989 Mazda hatchback. (Let's internalize the words tape-deck for a moment, shall we?) They broke the window... when the door was unlocked. I was shocked at the state of young hoods today. I thought, is there no one taking up the education of these wanna be Memphis Raines? The question remains unanswered.

Someone tried to STEAL the car last night. Last night, someone opened the unlocked door, "they can be taught!" and ripped the ignition apart from my steering wheel so that, what??? What? The car is a piece of shit. It's just not possible to pull a Natural Born Killer rampage in an '89 hatchback. And they couldn't even start it after ripping it apart. These are the lamest crooks ever.

I was parked between a freaking Lexus and a Toyota Sequoia; a car that is the wet dream of every kid in America dipped in wannabe juice. Sure, they don't know that Sequoias actually run on the bones of kids like them. They don't even go to the gas station; they go to a shelter where they feed the poor directly into the gas tank.

This was done by some criminal with serious self-esteem issues, to pick MY car. And worthy of crummy self-esteem since they couldn't even steal it after ripping apart the ignition key thingy. And NOW... the mechanic has to build a freaking time machine to even get the part from 1989.

And I wasn't parked in a methadone clinic, people. I was at a restaurant that people have told me famous people eat there. I was told that the OLSEN TWINS eat there. So... that's ... well not reason to break shit. Well, may-be.

Every four hours since it's happened I can only laugh. Who is this crime lord? What will they do next? Take all the pennies from the take-a-penny tray? (that's how irritated I am, I can't think of another analogy).

01.15.05

So, yeah. I'm playing vids and watching the first season of the OC - I'm dipped in the video part of the dork forest folks.

It's been raining and mud sliding and the end of the world is nigh and I'm getting calls from people asking if I'm okay. Very sweet, but you need to remember that, to live by a hill or a tree in this town you need to have a giant bag of money. If you hear of a sweeping strip mall disaster - I'm in trouble. I live around a LOT of strip malls. And now I'm bragging about it, sweet.

There's a game that I enjoy that you've no doubt played. I call it Poor Man's. You name a famous or obscure actor and name that person's "poor man's version" or - I spose if you wanna play it WRONG - you could do a Rich Man's version. Sometimes they lead into each other. Steve Guttenberg is the poor man's Michael Keaton. But Steve Guttenberg is the Rich Man's Judge Reinhold. See? So, my brother Russ came up with a good obscure one the other day: Nancy Walker is the Poor Man's Thelma Ritter. My favorite has always been ... Dabney Coleman is the poor man's Gene Hackman.

01.04.05

Happy New Year and all that! Aw, that seems so abrupt, and not at all personal. May your year be sweet and plentiful. Be grateful for what you have and share it with those who have less. All of it: love, money, work, good words... there's abundance everywhere and we need to pass it on, people!

Dragonslayer is the best! Man, if you're looking for the same old dragon story with a nice dark twist and a really cool dragon - rent to own!

William Shatner - icon to geeks everywhere... the man himself has put out a new album! With Joe Jackson, Ben Folds and Henry Rollins doing the "musical" part of it - him totally baring his freaking soul. I kid you not, awesome!

We had a guest the week between Christmas and New Year's. It was young TJ Pennington, age 12. He played some serious vids (beat his brand new game, Ratchet and Clank - Up Your Arsenal). We went and saw some plasticized corpses at the Science Museum. Uh... ick I say. Sure, it's science but I'm not a fan of seeing some dead guy actually skinned and holding up his skin. Yikes.

We did a boatload of stuff with that kid though. the La Brea Tar Pits, "la brea tar pits? You're in Scotland!" the Natural History Museum and saw the gemstones. We went horseback riding with Maria Bamford.

When the PS2 wasn't enough... TJ and I went and found some uprights. Arcade livin'. Then we went home and watched a couple movies. The Incredibles (a friend had a advance dvd copy of it) and I made him watch a little of the documentary, Dogtown and Z Boys.

On New Year's Eve, we played some games. The great thing about my new friends (the boyfriend's friends who are a great bunch of folk by the way!!) is that they don't play boring games - it's always games I've never heard of that are funny and fun. Play these I guess is what I'm saying. (new part of the dork forest)... Pass the Pigs (get the real game, but here's online version!), Chez Geek, Munchkin Fu, Citidels, and the dork kicker: LOTR RISK!